when i was a kid, my dad always told me not to cry. because crying means being weak... crying means telling the whole damn world that you're weak. and it's because everytime something tough gets in my way i always end up crying. and bawling for that matter. dad always said i should never be like my mom... who always cry when she's angry or when she and dad would fight. he said i should be tough, to not let them see me weak. but then again, i'm not the kind of person who would. yes, i am weak... and i'm not living up to what my dad told me. i remembered when i was in 3rd grade, me and my friends would play hide and seek in their garage. one night though, i suddenly tripped and ended up ruining their repainted car. well, a part of it... i came home crying and mom asked me why. it was funny though, because i lied. i told her that i just got carried away from our communion song that i was repeatedly singing.i laughed but mom caught my tounge and eventually spilled the truth from me... but what i realized is, i cried. yup, i did... but hey, i wasn't weak... ^^; crying isn't an action of weakness.. and someone made me realize that when i was struggling to find my answers. i was in 2nd year i think. no, i didn't have any problems at all... my life was perfect! except for my dad's threats of making me stop school if i don't get my grades straight. which i never did take seriously... ^^ but there was one time when i suddenly had a chance to hold a blade, and it just felt right to let it touch my skin. i wasn't depressed, not even in hallucinagens... or whatever you guys cal it. i wasn't a masochist, i hated pain, i cry because of it. and everytime i hear someone cry out of pain my ears would ring and my skin would tremble. but i really like those gory type of films... ^^ anyway, i was suddenly in a frenzy... a cutter happy frenzy. and my friends, well being my friends they knew i was at the maximun... so they ended up banning me from cutters or scissors or anythin sharp for that matter. they we're always on the look out when i asked one of my classmates if she could lend me one they'd suddenly pop out of no where and tell her not to. well, as all frenzy and natural high would end so did mine.... after a year or so, i think. ^^ well, anyway, it wasn't till i told my story to someone that made me realize that what i did, being cutter happy, was weaker than crying. he told me that, it was better to show your emotions than to destroy them. and that was exactly what i was doing by letting that damn blade touch my skin.. he told me he admire those who cry, may you be a man or a woman. because you have the courage to let those people around you know what you feel.. i dunno, but something made me change... maybe because i know he's right. and maybe because i know what i did was wrong. or maybe i want to be one of those persons he admire... to tell him i'm strong. not weak... and to show my dad that crying isn't wrong... that crying makes me a man, even though i'm technically and biologically a woman... ^^ crying isn't weak, it never was... that was just a tall tale...

wala lang... ^^ naalala ko lang ^^

alix | 10:10:00 AM